Moving you forward one step at a time

abuse by proxy

There are certain things that are obviously true about us… for example our Demographics and Statistics

date of birth, country of origin, schools attended, family, etc. schools attended and events experienced, family genetics and history

These things are true

because these are true to us we have a certain attachment to them.. for example we might respond “hey there’s someone from my area’ ..”oh she and I went to the same school” .. ‘hey he and I were born same year’ … we notice the things that are true to us and we feel a particular way about them

When the true is turned on you! 

some of us have a desire to control others and for control more than others… and this desire is not always in the best interest of the target of control

e.g. someone may learn of a family history and find a way to keep presenting it subtly to make someone ‘remember his/her place’ … someone may learn that another is a closet gay ‘and try to force the point for their own agenda.’

Turning the True On you … becomes a TTOY in the hands of others

they can take the information and play with it for their pleasure, your pain and to create a game of ‘you do what I want, or else.’

Well the truth is no TTOY….

  1. Help yourself since no one is coming to save you… help yourself by accepting the facts ‘as you understand it’ ‘AS YOU UNDERSTAND IT!’
  2. Then you have to find a way to take back what was stolen, for it was stolen..what was stolen? the right to decide how you hold the things of and about yourself that are true…so take back the thing and let go of the old way of looking at it because it has been corrupted
  3. Now decide on a new way to view this true thing… a way of looking at it that empowers you and creates positive feelings


For example…. a young man who was diagnosed and adhering to his treatment for depression, had his ex-girlfriend go about declaring to all who would listen that he was a ‘mad man’ taking drugs to remain stable …

this young man in going through the 3 suggested phases can accept that he does have a mental health concern but he might now view it differently and claim it as fantastic mental health management on his part since his ex-girlfriend has now corrupted the idea of concern to equal crazy

 For example …. a young lady after having relations with a potential partner and it not working, had the partner go about telling everyone her date of birth emphasizing she was not as young as she looks and was unlikely to find a man after him …

this young lady in going through the 3 suggested phases can accept her age as noted by her date of birth and follow same with the reason why she feels so blessed and thankful to not spend any more unnecessary time and effort on a futile relationship and she can also further improve her self care and commit to aging gracefully

when True Things Turned On You…no TTTOY!



We have varied aspects of life … and many adults are well aware of the mutually pleasurable benefits of 69 sexually speaking

But what about being in a relationship where we are constantly put into ‘A FORCED 69’ ..

What is A forced 69?  

Reality is that there are some people who literally feed upon others… they choose partners for a supply of ‘good feelings’ to them… it might be the boost they get from their partners beauty, status, money, producing of beautiful children, admiration and love of them, obedience and loyalty to them etc.

And so because their type of love being the love = I love how I can feed off of you to feel good about me …………they constantly put their partner in a forced 69 position…. meaning a position where their partner like it or not must keep supplying pleasure non stop to them by thinking doing and behaving as they like so they can keep feeding of them and feeling good while they in turn keep feeding their partner with information as to how to think what to do and how to behave to make them feel good …………….. and there you have it its a forced 69

Its a forced 69 since no choice is really given to the partner they feed upon for like the vampire they care not whether the partner wants to be feed on or not, they do things to force their partners attention in their direction .. a sort of molestation emotionally … and so when they get their partners attention they can inform them of what they must think feel and how to behave today so they good feel others words drink their feel good supply and get an emotional high

The Myth of a Forced 69! 

Thing is the forced 69 is a far cry from that of the bed chambers …

because when dealing with such a partner they get fat off their partners emotions while the other partner becomes drained of their life source


Online Counselling … Relationship Counselling @


There it was today went seeking a lock … and was drawn to a lock with a code that acted like the key… 

Guess what? After multiple and do mean multiple attempts the lock refused to budge and remains unused .. the time effort and money invested to get it was nothing short of annoying and distressing …

Now though at least it was not in vain…

Relationship Lock Out 

Too often we move along in relationships and swallow all sorts of emotional and psychological abuse.. and sing along thinking the trauma is beautiful …

But there is nothing beautiful about …

one partner investing time effort and energy into building a mutual healthy reciprocal relationship while the other partner has a code known only to them that their partner must discover in order for them to get certain basics in a relationship … e.g.

the guy or gal who withdraws emotion until their partner drops specific issues

the guy or gal who does what they can and restricts cash flow to the other partner until they behave as they desire such cases their partner can be trying really hard but it remains a case of the partner just being active searching and searching for the ‘code’ to a healthy happy relationship but they will never be productive or get the desired result since their partner holds the code within the code meaning it is only their partner who holds the power to decide if they will be so ‘kind’ as to allow for some measure of sanity in the relationship … and that only comes when their partner gets what they want…

but do note if one partner must sacrifice self-respect and autonomy for relationship peace in essence that partner is sacrificing the core of self and their perceptions and understandings of their reality and by extension their sanity   ….

There is a simple word for this .. ABUSE!


One experience that always stood out was that of the therapist who shared her experience of being bullied this therapist never having experienced bullying before took some time to notice what was happening… what always stood out though was how persistent and far-reaching bullying can become and how much it taxes bod mind and spirit …. it took all available resources both personally and professionally for this therapist to maintain self …. but what of those who might not have the natural tendencies that might help or access to resources or be willing to access resources because they self blame…..

24/7 cyber office available @t

As human beings our food comes from many sources and one of those sources is our relationships. We feed off of our relationships daily and so often we hardly consider how what we are feeding on in our relationships can either be nourishing us and helping us go, grow and glow or else deplete us and so helping us to halt, shrink and stress

Emotional Abusers Are Trouble … their food is hazadous to health and wellbeing no matter how it is packaged

Here’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about: There is a couple I know who sought pastoral counseling from their local church.  The pastor was helping them keep their marriage together. The man was a typical narcissistic, emotional abuser. The wife was a typical codependent, enabler.  She went to the church for spiritual counseling and accountability for her husband’s poor treatment of her. The wife recounted to her pastor that during an argument with her husband one day he had threatened to “kill her if she didn’t get out of the car!”
The pastor had two comments for the woman, “Why didn’t you get out of the car?” and, “You know he didn’t mean he was REALLY going to kill you.”

To make matters even worse, the woman thought, perhaps, her mother-in-law would be supportive and talk some sense into her son. When she told  her mother-in-law what happened, the only response she got was, “Well, you know things are said in marriage…”
Did I hear that correctly?  No, I don’t think these are the types of things that are typically said in marriages. At least, I hope not.
These are two examples of flying monkeys – the pastor and the mother.

Narcissists are master manipulators.  They have limited insight, so they actually hold to the opinion that their behaviors toward you are justified. They are on the spectrum of delusion, and adhere to their pathological opinions. They believe, as they abuse you, that they are, in fact, the true victims. When you do anything, either real or imagined, that upsets the narcissist, he will target you as a scapegoat, and will align himself with flying monkeys. As his target lies on the ground emotionally bleeding, his belief and response is (expressed as outrage,) “Look what you made me do!” This adds fuel to the fire, as he hurts you in the first place and then blames you for it, all the while believing he’s the victim!

He will slander your good name and paint a terrible picture 0f how you have abandoned him, hurt him, and abused him. He will even call you a narcissistic. The projection is unbelievable!
His allies will believe him and will make comments to further encourage his delusions of victim-hood. The real you will be unrecognizable in the story he tells. It is hard to believe, as the target of this type of “mobbing” that occurs, that so many people are believing such ugly things about you.
You begin to wonder, “Maybe it is me,” or “Am I the abusive one?”  “No, I know I’m not…or am I?”  “Am I a narcissist?”  “Maybe I shouldn’t have said what I said…then we wouldn’t be having this problem.”  We question our good hearts and our realities. It is crazy making. Even the strongest of targets has a hard time detaching and not personalizing the attacks and rumors.

The narcissist’s enablers, are masters at overlooking red flags, blatant abuse, and the fact that the narcissist is causing and not resolving any of the problems, stating, “There are two sides to every story.”
It truly is amazing. And a victim needs to be stand even stronger still, as she takes on more nightmares in this narcissist’s drama. The target needs to be armed with defenses because she not only has to fight the narcissist and her own inner codependency issues; she also has to fight a myriad of other people whom she may have originally thought would be her allies or support system. The target ends up feeling like she has to climb a mountain with no tools, while those around her are gossiping about her and throwing rocks her way!
I found a great quote that describes the victim’s dilemma when dealing with a narcissist, from a woman named, Cherilyn Clough: “They invite you to play a game you can never win.”
As long as targets remember this “truism,” they can stop trying to defend themselves and even learn not to care what other people think.
Note: Disregard gender labels as abuse is not a respecter of genders.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 May 2017
Originally published on on 2 Jul 2016. All rights reserved.

About Sharie Stines, Psy.D
Sharie Stines, Psy.D. is a recovery expert specializing in personality disorders, complex trauma and helping people overcome damage caused to their lives by addictions, abuse, trauma and dysfunctional relationships. Sharie is a counselor at LIfeline Counseling & Education Inc., in Southern California ( Lifeline Counseling is a non-profit organization 501(c)(3) corporation. Sharie is also an abusive relationship recovery coach –

What are Flying Monkeys?

What are Flying Monkeys? They are a rare kind of Enabler who is narcissistic by nature and loves to enable or witness “Narcissistic Abuse”.
Narcissistic Abuse SURVIVORS call Domestic Abuse and bullying Enablers Flying Monkeys for one very specific and helpful reason…
Because the phrase inspires memories of the winged monkeys in the original “Wizard of Oz” movie! People aware of bullying and despise it in all its forms have referred to abuse enablers as Flying Monkeys for that very reason since 1939 when the film first appeared.

Its not about focusing on the relationship you have with the person and thinking “they could never” or how you might feel about them … don’t even give it a label if you like but do know the behaviours are dangerous to a targets health and well being and meant to psyhologically terrorize, physically incapaciate and spiritual deplete the targets inner being





We have universal communications … and one of those are our old wise sayings … sayings which originate from all over the World… ever heard this one .. “When Crapaud smoke yuh pipe.”
well this one originated in the Caribeean twin isle of Trinidad and Toabgo… and When Kermit’s uncle smokes your pipe, you know …..

But even so remember this too


“The narcissist is an artist of pain as much as any sadist… If he fell from grace – he would attribute it to dark forces in collusion to destroy him. If his sense of entitlement is not satisfied – he would attribute it to the fear that he invokes in others and to their intentional ignoring of his grandness.”

The narcissist tortures and abuses as a means to punish and to reassert superiority and grandiosity.

He infiltrates her defences, shatters her self-confidence, confuses and confounds her, demeans and debases her. He invades her territory, abuses her confidence, exhausts her resources, hurts her loved ones, threatens her stability and security, involves her in his paranoid states of mind, frightens her out of her wits, withholds love and sex from her, prevents satisfaction and causes frustration, humiliates and insults her privately and in public, points out her shortcomings,

Relationship Coaching … Self Enhancement Sessions @

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