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abuse by proxy

Bullying is the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something or not do something and ultimately designed to create a general feeling of frustration, helplessness and hopelessness.

Life is … and no one is truly able to state with absolutely certainty that certain experiences would never meet them

And how we manage during experiences depends to a large extent on where we focus during the experience

Experiences will either weaken you, strengthen you or kill you literally

Given that death is a factor of living it helps little to ‘worry’ about an experience killing you

We all have the choice to throw our hands up and surrender to the experience and this is especially true of the phenomenon of bullying

Yet those who survive and thrive in this life are those who work out all that might be gained where other can only see hear and feel loss

so…. Benefits of Bullying 

  1. The mere fact that you were targeted by a bully or bullies means you have the powerful potential to lead.. really thing about it .. a bully spends a large amount of their time studying you and how to distress you and so it means that you have the potential to influence others that you might not even have been aware of before
  2. Self-love cannot help but grow if you choose to look on the bright side … the bully does the favour of ripping you apart and so you remain with 2 choices either joining in or continuing to find more and more self-virtues and you learn to self-approve and self-love at a very deep level .. 
  3. Bullying are essentially building your character and it is a man’s character that determines his destiny .. so chin up .. it might be that great things are in store
  4. Bullying leads  to increased social awareness, to increased awareness of how we each impact each other and as such the bully helps you to live more socially conscious which is a more authentic life that is essentially a happier more satisfied life
  5. Bullying helps you to make a very clear distinction between frustration and life satisfaction … for the bully gives both .. and so the bullied .. learns to be better equip to accept life as is and yet live fully without waiting for some magical event
  6. The Bully  increases  your empathy as you realize that there are many people who are truly hurting through life 
  7. And the Bully helps you to live each moment fully for for some the threat to life from the bully is very real and so life takes on new meaning with nothing being taken for granted

So if you have the frustrating pleasure as life is so often a balance of pleasure and pain of having to manage bullying be careful be wise but definitely put the experience to good use and be the better for it


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“Man is basically good” ~ Carl Rogers (adapted)

There are many man and woman alike who have been trained directly or indirectly to believe such deep within the psyche

And it is not a matter of whether it is true or not or good or bad to believe such

Life though is not black and white but often a blend to produce shades of grey so to any possible truth there are exceptions

All AB-users

An abuser and an abuser is not the same

People choose to be abusive in their relationships for many reasons

And so there are some abusers who at some point might have a desire to change and slowly do so

But there are others, whether they are basically good or not in some part of themselves, have made a choice to be hurtful in relationships and this might be physical or emotional

Malignant Abusers (The hard to detect)

There are some abusers who are picture perfect … from all appearances they seem like the ideal man or woman for a healthy relationship

And as time goes the one in the relationship begins to feel subtly demeaned and put down    

But this is ignored and excused away

As time goes this abusers tortures their mate by using every and any thing against their mate .. they search out areas where they thing their mate draws some sort of esteem from and attacks it ever so subtly in the most cunning ways .. they attempt to remove any and all forms or sources of esteem-builders and this is not enough they use the things and people their mate loves to subtly demean and insult

Like a malignant growth .. their contribution is not readily seen and neither are their intentions but like malignant growth the effects are felt

Many fall prey because their intuition is not given credit and they find explanations for what is happening over and over  

And like a malignant growth the abuser does not and will not stop until the mate is abused to the point of exhaustion/conquered by the abuse and in a state of killed of esteem, killed of self-love and sometimes killed of social life, and so it goes and it goes until the mate is no more

And the abuser moves on and the search continues for what causes the killing off of the mate all the while the malignant abuser is already on to his/her next ….

There is apart of us that warns of impending danger long before logic and/or emotions .. we do best when we give ear and consideration to our whole selves

And for those who discovered late of mating with a malignant abuser … it is for you to choose self-care … massive self-care to slowly resume health and wellness in every area of your life .. and be sure your intuition already knows what that would be for you

Let’s support well living!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Emotional Abuse in a relationship is essentially the abnormal or dysfunctional use of one’s emotional connection and influence over another to inflict emotional or psychological hurt or torture

Emotional Abuse Often Manifests  

After a connection between the two people has been made so that the abuser feels he or she has the power to inflict an emotional wound

Because the abuser has a feeling of insecurity or even a feeling of unworthiness to receive and accept the emotional warmth from their partner

Carefully  the abuser does things in such a way as to cause the targeted partner to initially doubt his or her intentions

The Emotionally Abused

Does tend to have a period of wondering if they are over-reacting

Experiences some measure of UN-ease or distress

Finally  makes a decision they either endure hoping things will change or decide to terminate the relationship or try to get some support for the relationship

Getting support for the relationship is essentially dependent on the abuser willingness to change .. no one personal or professional can make another change

Hold the keys as to whether they will form and continue in an emotionally abusive relationship

The Emotional Abuser’s Agenda

Interest of the emotional abuser is basically to break down his or her partner so that they too feel unworthy and unlovable thereby increasing their sense of security in the relationship

Operate within an intimate relationship where he or she feels emotionally powerful and in control of his or her partner


Trust  your gut from the start .. if your potential partner says, does not say, implies, does, or does not do, or uses non-verbals in a way that feels demeaning and meant to hurt, even if in doubt do something about it and observe carefully from thereafter

Understand the craftiness of the emotional abuser in finding ways to get your family and friends to support his or her desires 

eXit  if no change is noted … emotional abuse in a relationship is a pattern of relating        


Plain and Simple .. Bullies are Addicts .. 

Bullies are addicted to pain .. they are addicted to hiding their pain and holding it inside while trying to harvest pain within another

Bullies are addicted to feeling their own hurt and hurting some chosen target

Bullies are addicted to their target .. they need their target to continually feel as helpless and as hopeless as they feel as they have been made to feel by some previous situation in life 

If you are a Bully consider 

After all is said and done .. who is really hurting .. sure you might hurt, maim or even kill your target directly or indirectly since some targets suicide as an escape … yet if you are honest the hurting that compels you to torture your target remains 

After all is said and done .. a Bully is a chronic abuser .. and such well designed abuse must have been learnt from somewhere

Is it not better then to deal with the abuse of the past and break free of the hurt?

Plain and Simple .. The Bullied is admired

Unfortunately  the bully has noticed something within or around their target that they want but do not feel able to get for themselves

Unfortunately the bully wants to fail in taking that thing from the target yet is compelled to harass the target until they do so

Unfortunately bullying most times is chronic and therefore cannot be ignored or wished away 

If you are a Target

Take the situation seriously from day 1

Think “Safety First!”

Empathize with the plight of the bully but stand firm against the act of bullying

Think outside the box when dealing with a bully and NEVER underestimate the extents to which they might go

Remember Bullying is psychological warfare so both you and the bully have already lost .. “nobody wins a war” .. and with that understanding always try to work for the best possible outcome in the short, medium and long term



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When we think about ABUSE we tend to readily think of physical violence or sometimes verbal or emotional jabs. Yet there is another type of abuse that operates more undercover; 

In this scenario the ABUSER—- is someone who wrongly uses opportunities to create feelings of distress linked to attacks on their partners self-esteem and sense of self-worth … unfortunately it is so covert or hidden that the ABUSER is Otherwise Mindless … All he/she knows is that they are insecure in a relationship with someone who really loves him/herself and so looks for and creates situations for others to subtlety or openly, directly or indirectly attack their partners confidence … in this way they operate like an ABUSE MANAGER pulling in family, friends et al to help all so that they would feel more secure in the relationship ….

How do you notice  ‘The Otherwise Mindless Abuser Scenario’? 

It’s simple .. if you are the partner on the receiving end, you feel attacked and uneasy, while at the same time observing your partner hard to observe but very present smirk of satisfaction and/or increased feeling of ease.

And hence it is not only words that matter … but it is the ‘feel’ of the relationship …

Beware of being in a Relationship S.T.E.W.

it is not only what is openly done … but it is also that intuition that says there might have been some ‘hidden’ intention… because at the end of the day … we are always operating on two levels … open and covert … and both impact our relationships … 

So as we approach the close of another year .. consider if the best gift you might give yourself is to be more mindful if you dare of the little voice within that reminds you that better is possible … if you work on self-love … that you will not have to either choose a partner you feel ‘better’ than or break done one so you can feel ‘better’ than … or consider if the best gift is to temporarily or permanently exit a relationship that just does not ‘feel’ right!

Happy Holidays and Best Wishes to All for the New Upcoming Year  

Of all the forms of ABUSE 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE is the least spoken of since its impact is not readily seen and if/when seen the link is not traced to the EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Of all the forms of EMOTIONAL ABUSE

                                                                                      Abuse by Proxy  is the least spoken of yet it has the GREATEST POTENTIAL TO DO THE GREATEST HARM

Abuse by proxy

  • If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers – in short, third parties – to do his bidding.
  • The third parties are used them to cajole, coerce, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate the abuser’s target.

Obviously the abuser is able to come out “smelling like a rose” while the target must grapple continually with being subtly and not so subtly convinced to let the abuser have his/her way. 

Managing Mental Health in such cases is essential.