Moving you forward one step at a time

Changing Relationship Patterns

Ý do some relationships seem to have alongside the obvious sexual connection, a sort of caring, sharing, supporting and even ability of each partner to challenge the other in a good sort of way… 

Level 1: Conditioned for Continuity

Biologically we are hard-wired at around teens or adolescents to seek out sexual connections, our hormones literally awaken our awareness of the physical appeal of others

So, the whole idea of working on one’s physical attractiveness to attract a love interest, of course, makes sense since once this hard wiring is awakened during our teens, it is only our deliberate conscious efforts that dampen it…

Some relationships are actually simply Level 1

While on the surface relationships might look the same for example man-woman, man-man, woman-woman… some couples can be in a relationship that even results in a marriage where either ….

a) both parties are level 1

b) one part is level 1

Both parties are level 1

When or if both parties are level 1 then the relationship in addition to being highly-genital (along with other earlier sources of pleasure being used e.g. mouths) the relationship is held together by a sort of strict organized contractual arrangement, each party understands his/her role and ‘great sex’ becomes the point of bonding as well as attending to offspring (remember we are conditioned for continuity)

What’s missing?

From the point of the couple absolutely nothing… but if an onlooker were to observe more closely, these would be the type of couples that look good together, have a ‘happy’ functional, well-run home yet there seems as if that ‘something’ is missing and often the onlooker can best explain it by talking about level 2 couples (which we come to in a bit)

One Party is Level 1

This is the couple where one partner complains of not being happy in the relationship, the sex is good, even great, but “we never go out”… “we don’t do anything together” all the while the other partner cannot appreciate what the problem is as they list all the good things in the relationship….

What’s missing? 

This partner might have gotten caught up in the first pull…the sexual connecting and assumed the intimacy would come in other words they were expecting a level 2 relationship

Level 2 Relationships

Level 2 relationships like level 1 relationship involve some sort of sexual connection or physical attraction, in these cases though the attraction might have either been instant or developed over time…

but one thing happens here, after the initial exploring in whatever way the couple does of the sexual/genital (et al.) connection, the partners begin to connect as a small social circle, they share their stories, interests, find commonalities, consider differences and build a support system of two, in other words they become intimate and so the relationship has sexual connections as well as other connections and the sexual connection becomes simply another form of intimacy for the couple…

This intimacy is then noticeable and felt by others (recall that thing that the happy level 1 couple was missing, well that’s it)

But the question is how do we get to level 2 intimacy? 

Actually, our capacity for level 2 intimacy was being built long before we became teens, it was being built as we bonded with our parents/caregivers who were teaching us whether it is safe to trust others and to be vulnerable with them… 

if we learned to trust and bond relatively well with our parents/caregivers we are primed to go beyond the genital connection that sets in during teens

 

So we know that some get caught in the whole ‘wedding worship’ but what about thinking of …

Marriage Management

Yes, marriage is an institution, and as an institution, it needs good executives and managers and that’s the husband and wife team, as an institution there must be a decision on what are the services and products that each in the institution would be doing, and so coming into the institution of marriage, during courtship that is when skills should be being build to prepare to contribute… to not do that is to threaten the survival of the institution from the very beginning…no wonder this song is telling this fellow “he looking for horn”…

With our high global divorce rates, there really needs more focus on preparing to be a decent contributing partner rather than ‘getting married’ and ‘wedding worship’

P.S. sometimes one partner or the other might become unemployed and in that case, the institution requires some sort of contingency planning and internal adjustments 

Training on the virtue of getting together and living the dream starts early… sure it might be more targeted to women but its also with men and so as girls grow and boys grow there is this subtle unconscious message…

let’s call it ‘Wedding’ Worship…

basically that we have really hit that home run, if or when we get that ‘official’ relationship commitment…

and so some come out with one focus in relationships ‘catching a man’ (a good man, whatever good might mean) or ‘snatching and ‘locking down’ a good woman) or “partner” … and for these people, it’s all about the end so…

its a show, its about strategy, manipulation even, acting to get a desired result, here Leroy discovers it could even be about ‘Goumangala’ (witchcraft, black magic, obeah) all because of moving the focus away from building a healthy relationship which could even mean leaving one for another and moving the focus on scoring the big one …. that official commitment aka wedding …

Some of us go along being ignorant of this, only to have that Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll effect happen after the goal is done…

All that shifting and shifting below the surface of the earth, why does that even matter? … EQ for Earth Quake

All that self-awareness and self-control before choosing how we communicate, why does that even matter? EQ for Emotional Intelligence

Recently a 7.3 EarthQuake like a true Spaniard hit and ran off reaching Trinidad & Tobago to give that island a 6.9 shake up… Now how is this similar to a slacking off of self-awareness and self-control before we communicate?

Just as the EQ for Earth Quake causes a shake-up, cracks, tremors, damage and destruction by heavy movement under the surface in the same way when we become heavy on moving away from being self-aware as we interact with others and attempting to exercise self-control and we simply talk or act we can cause sometimes severe damage and destruction to otherwise solid relationships that took years and years to build

So what is EQ for Emotional Intelligence https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-emotional-intelligence-eq/ 

and why does it matter, why bother to work at developing it… just think about an EQ for Earth Quake and the devastation possible https://www.reuters.com/article/us-venezuela-quake/magnitude-7-3-quake-hits-northern-venezuela-coast-usgs-idUSKCN1L6278

#lifecoaching sessions to improve relationship skills @ https://karryon.privacemail.com/

 

Having recently noted an article about whether sex toys that closely look like the ‘real thing’ or not, are allowed into a certain country by law another question came…

How many relationships are allowed to pass off as the ‘real thing’ because of a basic law that in today’s society it is better to have a steady supply of sex than have to constantly seek out casual sexual satisfaction…

After all, we might welcome white still for weddings..but surely man and woman alike we are no longer too concerned with being truly ‘white’ on a wedding day…

So how then do we discover if the relationship is the ‘real thing’ or just a ‘sex den’ …

  1. Real relationships have a range… meaning they focus on many aspects that stretch the person beyond a physical sexual stretch
  2.  But then again being in a ‘sex den’ can lead anyone to pretend to stretch outside the bedroom as well as long as that sex is steady
  3. Real relationships can survive sex breaks (now the length of time is surely dependent on the couple)
  4. ‘Sex Den’ look-alikes usually either crumble under break periods or else use break periods as an excuse for the other partner going astray (interesting & ironic since surely the time would come when one or both partners might not be able to ‘go at it’ as he/she used to)
  5. Real relationships do not objectify (in real relationships while there might be an appreciation of a partner at a particular size, in specific clothing styles, or hairstyles, there is no excessive pressure to comply)
  6. But in ‘sex den’ look-alikes there are both the spoken and the unspoken expectations to satisfy some agreed ‘ideal’
  7. Real relationships embrace varied sexual experiences with varied levels of satisfaction for each or both because of an appreciation for realities and context and recent changes in 1 partner or both
  8. But in ‘sex den’ relationships it is all about the performance period

These 8 only begin to scratch the surface… and truth be told as one meme suggested …

“sex can keep a “relationship” going for a very long time”

But usually, we know…

so the bigger question is if we do what makes up not either;

@ level-up that relationship (if possible)?

@ stay?

Guess its because we are all white with the sexuality as it shows up in the relationship…

Yellow for friendships….

But have we ever considered who is the ‘friend’ we get on the ship with..

Friend …a person who supports a particular cause

How often are we seduced by friendly behaviors and outward acts of affection only to discover that the person(s) were working for a cause that was not or is not in our best interest? or maybe we have never had this experience or hardly ever? then great!

But for those of us who are easily seduced by false friends

What are the possible checklists or safeguards?

  1. Being a friend to our-self is the first safeguard. It is the only way we would be prepared to expect and accept only those things that are in our best interest.
  2. Words are not an indication of intent…behaviors are.
  3. While behaviors are indicators of intent, intent can be mis-interpreted for better or worse. Therefore another safeguard is to appreciate that ongoing behaviors make sense. Therefore if contradictory behaviors are noticed have selftrust
  4. Work on feelings of worthiness and lovableness so that there is no value judgement of worthiness if a friendship is not going as expected and therefore it becomes easier to view the relationship for what it is and choose accordingly, rather than hold on to a toxic relationships to preserve feelings of worthiness

If we often find ourselves in false friendships it might be a #redflag that we can benefit from improving our Self Esteem  https://karryon.privacemail.com/

From day 1 and building slowly and slowly Mr. Adan seeks to build his sense of security in the relationship…and of course feeling secure in one’s relationship is not a bad thing in and of itself…however….

Adan Mother-May-I gets his sense of security when he is sure that he has a partner who would behave as he desires and as Mother would approve and he knows but one sure way of making this happen…

Bit by Bit he begins to find ways to

Minus Control from his partner and Add that Control to him…

so a partner with Mr. Adan Mother-May-I would find that slowly the activities that would provide some sort of independence or ‘real’ choice is slowly taken away…not in a demanding way ..at least not at first or if unnecessary but simply through a suggestion here, a request there or even a little manipulation or guilt-tripping …and often the partner realizes only later that it was all in an attempt to have them become more easily agreeable to ALL incoming requests and or suggestions…..

If you do find yourself with a Mr. Adan Mother-May-I  ..until or unless these behaviours no longer help reduce tensions…they more than likely will continue…it is for any partner then to decide whether the C- (Control Minus) works for them ….https://karryon.privacemail.com/ 

  

Sometimes it pays to take a little more time and do it real slow especially when the stakes are quite high

E.I. … on the surface the two might look quite the same but the results are oh so different https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/emotional-intelligence

related relationship sessions be it for #lifecoaching or #therapy https://karryon.privacemail.com/