Moving you forward one step at a time

Communication in Relationships

Everyone of us has a family of origin. This family has shaped our attitudes, behaviours and biology. Time taken to understand it and for others coming into the family to understand it and work on improving ‘natural family tendencies’ can support our mental health and that of future generations.

here’s that full interview with the single dad YOUTUBE VIDEO LINK: http://YOUTUBE VIDEO LINK:

So let’s ‘fool’ around with our family of origin, get to know understand it and play with some new ways of being

  1. Now can you make a connection between the picture and the title of the blog? for most of us, it’s a clear no…
  2. Well, how do so many people make a connection between themselves and getting another person to change? Can we really change an person? But often what these ladies and some men too say, is they can ‘fix’ the person, love them to become the person they notice when they look at them, love them into healing…
  3. But know this … change must come from a willingness within the person and some never will feel a need to change 
  4. So we go along hoping to fix the other person

6. In ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS… Trying to change another TO “FIX” them, is like trying to speak another language that the other person would never understand… because
7. Often in these relationships, the abuser plays on their partner’s dedication and desire to build a happy home by promising to change… but true change comes from within and often unfortunately many who abuse (not all) are resistant to change

**** so to all the fixer-uppers*** people are not things and the flip side of abuse sometimes is that the partner who desires to fix needs to let go or change or flip that whole idea to even begin to open the door to deal with the domestic violence***

Training on the virtue of getting together and living the dream starts early… sure it might be more targeted to women but its also with men and so as girls grow and boys grow there is this subtle unconscious message…

let’s call it ‘Wedding’ Worship…

basically that we have really hit that home run, if or when we get that ‘official’ relationship commitment…

and so some come out with one focus in relationships ‘catching a man’ (a good man, whatever good might mean) or ‘snatching and ‘locking down’ a good woman) or “partner” … and for these people, it’s all about the end so…

its a show, its about strategy, manipulation even, acting to get a desired result, here Leroy discovers it could even be about ‘Goumangala’ (witchcraft, black magic, obeah) all because of moving the focus away from building a healthy relationship which could even mean leaving one for another and moving the focus on scoring the big one …. that official commitment aka wedding …

Some of us go along being ignorant of this, only to have that Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll effect happen after the goal is done…

Having recently noted an article about whether sex toys that closely look like the ‘real thing’ or not, are allowed into a certain country by law another question came…

How many relationships are allowed to pass off as the ‘real thing’ because of a basic law that in today’s society it is better to have a steady supply of sex than have to constantly seek out casual sexual satisfaction…

After all, we might welcome white still for weddings..but surely man and woman alike we are no longer too concerned with being truly ‘white’ on a wedding day…

So how then do we discover if the relationship is the ‘real thing’ or just a ‘sex den’ …

  1. Real relationships have a range… meaning they focus on many aspects that stretch the person beyond a physical sexual stretch
  2.  But then again being in a ‘sex den’ can lead anyone to pretend to stretch outside the bedroom as well as long as that sex is steady
  3. Real relationships can survive sex breaks (now the length of time is surely dependent on the couple)
  4. ‘Sex Den’ look-alikes usually either crumble under break periods or else use break periods as an excuse for the other partner going astray (interesting & ironic since surely the time would come when one or both partners might not be able to ‘go at it’ as he/she used to)
  5. Real relationships do not objectify (in real relationships while there might be an appreciation of a partner at a particular size, in specific clothing styles, or hairstyles, there is no excessive pressure to comply)
  6. But in ‘sex den’ look-alikes there are both the spoken and the unspoken expectations to satisfy some agreed ‘ideal’
  7. Real relationships embrace varied sexual experiences with varied levels of satisfaction for each or both because of an appreciation for realities and context and recent changes in 1 partner or both
  8. But in ‘sex den’ relationships it is all about the performance period

These 8 only begin to scratch the surface… and truth be told as one meme suggested …

“sex can keep a “relationship” going for a very long time”

But usually, we know…

so the bigger question is if we do what makes up not either;

@ level-up that relationship (if possible)?

@ stay?

Guess its because we are all white with the sexuality as it shows up in the relationship…

Cheers….do we shout for joy to our arranged marriages

and who exactly are those who shout for joy at these marriages, are they the partners or the invited guests…

even as we recently witnessed our ‘Real’ Wedding

it seems the “fairy tale” ideal is not lost on any of us, though we know it is not real…but a Royal Wedding makes us believe and so we Cheer

But after it is all finished the couple and guests sit on very different


All the guests who cheered, now as the marriage continues can;

Certainly Have An Interest Researching Stories….

what’s happening now with the couple? are things really working out? is he being faithful? are they getting divorced? what, no children?….. and it goes on and on

Meanwhile the couple, sit on a very different chair;

Creating Home And Intimacy Repeatedly…..

they sit with the ups and downs of all the day to day of now creating a home and family with all the joys and trails and triumphs

Another ROYAL wedding is coming up….

people are interested or maybe even some not so interested

But do you know what is soooooooo very interesting?

The little interest people show in their very Own Royal Wedding

What does this mean?

First let us rewind…rewind to the practices, people, process that led up to this Royal Wedding…

What practices? …those are the things that the couple did together or did not  do together that led to creating a level of closeness

Who people? …for starters the couple of course, then their might be friends and family who are also influencing

What process? …actually that should really be processes for plural..the communication process of the couple, the conflict resolution process, the power dynamic process and it goes on and on….

And when all these come together a decision is made to have an event called a wedding…

And our wedding is always a ROYAL wedding…how so?

Because we are always making a decision on that day to







Yet many of us only focus on having a ROYAL looking wedding..meaning we must look like royalty…and focus little on the patterns of our relationship and whether it is worth committing to such patterns for a lifetime

And sure relationships change,,,but let us be real there is a comfort that comes after a wedding and its called the comfort of marriage..where we expect to a major degree that our partners would not go flipping the script on us…

so do you have your very own Royal Wedding coming up, be sure to consider what the yesterdays were really like and how comfortable you are with those yesterdays becoming your todays and tomorrows

Sometimes when meeting a Mr. Adan Mother-May-I a partner might notice that he behaves as if;

  • his life is a movie &
  • he is heavily manipulated and guided by a desire to please his mother

and so of course the partner thinks and feels if only he could understand what is happening and so the partner does not ‘give up’ on him but seeks to help him to understand….

and he would if only he could….

more often than not though… is the partner who needs the help because for better or for worse…

Mr. Adan Mother-May-I …. is A Host 

He is like an empty vessel that entertains the bidding of others… this he does for his very survival for it is all he has ever known…from the beginning of time he has existed for mama….

Coming to this realization can be one of the most sad and horrifying experiences… support @ 


Adan Mother-May-I was enjoying his new-found relationship as he always does and suddenly there was a complication…

“MAMA does not like you!” 

Of course Adan Mother-May-I does not tell this to his new-found interest…instead he begins doing things to SABOTAGE THE RELATIONSHIP..

all the while he is resenting hi mother’s intruding in his romantic life…

he HATES his mother …he thinks…he knows…but he would never admit it…

for which boy does not long for his mother’s love and approval….

so once again she has to go…

Poor girl will be none-the wiser Adan Mother-May-I thought….but he knew..he knew she was not a girl…but a young lady….

it was he who was the BOY….

THE boy who hated/resented his mother but dare not leave her or stop seeking her love & approval

It would forever be mAAmA Rules!

Are you or someone you know tired of being an Adan Mother-May-I?

And if you are with an Adan Mother-May-I this is one time the relationship really is #complicated because this grown boy ..this man…has yet to detach emotionally from his mother in a way that frees him to truly connect to a romantic interest? For #lifecoaching or #therapy


Richard looked twice…but thought maybe not a little while later there she was…tapping him on his shoulder…Shera..Richard and Shera had not seen each other for some years…they chatted and then Richard gave his number and suggested to Shera she could call sometime…

As time passed along on occasion those odd days of chilling out ..relaxing…lazing around…Shera would try to buzz…most times Richard’s phone would be busy…this happened a few times…Shera would be chilling out..relaxing..lazing around…and give Richard a call and the phone would be busy…Shera thought nothing of it…except she wondered how it never occurred to Richard on one of those occasions to check who might have called…

Time passed and again Shera and Richard met up accidentally ..of course Shera casually commented she called and his phone was actually always busy…

Richard seemed pleased as he smiled and then laughed mildly….

“Oh! that’s how it is..everybody always tells me that…you could probably try calling around…..”


Shera looks and feels confused and so asks….”Wait, you don’t call people.” Richard laughs…”most people call me…it’s easier that way…I’m usually so busy” … Shera could not drop the was so new to her…she then asks …”So what about your girlfriends” Richard again seemed quite pleased and then proudly informed that “actually I’ve always entered relationships after being pursued by girls”

Richard Must-B-Joking…. 

Shera looked at him in shock!

Now there is a level of compromise that is required and healthy in relationships, be it friendships or romantic relationships…

And there is a level of give and take in relationships that is absolutely beneficial to one person while it works to the hurt or disadvantage of the other….and the one in the advantageous or beneficial role often is quite comfortable…

How comfortable are you in your relationship?

Are you with a Richard Must-B-Joking? How has that been working out for you? Do you feel emotionally, mentally and physically drained?