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Crafting Healthy Relationships

It’s human to have a need for Power. We all have it men women and children. When we think of leaders and politics we understand very clearly the dangers of abuse of power. Often we might not appreciate that our intimate relationships also involves politics and power. Politics has to do with rule and power. In relationships, we allow space for partners to rule and share power. For example, a couple might decide to share the rule over finances. household chores or they might share the rule of the household giving specific areas to one partner or the other. In relationships generally because of partners care, love and respect for each other, each is able to influence the other; that’s power.

In abusive relationships, the politics of love means basically being with a ‘destructive dictator’ who allows no say from those that they rule over (their partner). Power is often gotten by instilling fear in the partner and any perceived ‘crimes’ are dealt with by extreme punishment. It is best to know the signs to not get into an abusive relationship in the first place.

But if already in one it is possible still to develop a BMW relationship… Build More Wonderful relationships in the future either with or without the same partner, each situation is different…

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  1. Now can you make a connection between the picture and the title of the blog? for most of us, it’s a clear no…
  2. Well, how do so many people make a connection between themselves and getting another person to change? Can we really change an person? But often what these ladies and some men too say, is they can ‘fix’ the person, love them to become the person they notice when they look at them, love them into healing…
  3. But know this … change must come from a willingness within the person and some never will feel a need to change 
  4. So we go along hoping to fix the other person

6. In ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS… Trying to change another TO “FIX” them, is like trying to speak another language that the other person would never understand… because
7. Often in these relationships, the abuser plays on their partner’s dedication and desire to build a happy home by promising to change… but true change comes from within and often unfortunately many who abuse (not all) are resistant to change

**** so to all the fixer-uppers*** people are not things and the flip side of abuse sometimes is that the partner who desires to fix needs to let go or change or flip that whole idea to even begin to open the door to deal with the domestic violence***

#onlinesupport @

Our personality is built over time, but because we continue to interact with others and our environment generally there is an opportunity for some changes to take place

However, sometimes depending on what was happening in earlier experiences when the base of our personality was being formed we can become stuck in ways of behaving that even though it might be harming us and causing problems in our relationships we refuse to consider making any adjustments to how we do things or operate…

Often in such cases, we would have sought out a partner whose personality is such that they are always adjusting to make their relationships work…

but the thing is that often times for the relationship to have a chance of becoming healthier it also requires some adjusting in the other partner as well…

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Ý do some relationships seem to have alongside the obvious sexual connection, a sort of caring, sharing, supporting and even ability of each partner to challenge the other in a good sort of way… 

Level 1: Conditioned for Continuity

Biologically we are hard-wired at around teens or adolescents to seek out sexual connections, our hormones literally awaken our awareness of the physical appeal of others

So, the whole idea of working on one’s physical attractiveness to attract a love interest, of course, makes sense since once this hard wiring is awakened during our teens, it is only our deliberate conscious efforts that dampen it…

Some relationships are actually simply Level 1

While on the surface relationships might look the same for example man-woman, man-man, woman-woman… some couples can be in a relationship that even results in a marriage where either ….

a) both parties are level 1

b) one part is level 1

Both parties are level 1

When or if both parties are level 1 then the relationship in addition to being highly-genital (along with other earlier sources of pleasure being used e.g. mouths) the relationship is held together by a sort of strict organized contractual arrangement, each party understands his/her role and ‘great sex’ becomes the point of bonding as well as attending to offspring (remember we are conditioned for continuity)

What’s missing?

From the point of the couple absolutely nothing… but if an onlooker were to observe more closely, these would be the type of couples that look good together, have a ‘happy’ functional, well-run home yet there seems as if that ‘something’ is missing and often the onlooker can best explain it by talking about level 2 couples (which we come to in a bit)

One Party is Level 1

This is the couple where one partner complains of not being happy in the relationship, the sex is good, even great, but “we never go out”… “we don’t do anything together” all the while the other partner cannot appreciate what the problem is as they list all the good things in the relationship….

What’s missing? 

This partner might have gotten caught up in the first pull…the sexual connecting and assumed the intimacy would come in other words they were expecting a level 2 relationship

Level 2 Relationships

Level 2 relationships like level 1 relationship involve some sort of sexual connection or physical attraction, in these cases though the attraction might have either been instant or developed over time…

but one thing happens here, after the initial exploring in whatever way the couple does of the sexual/genital (et al.) connection, the partners begin to connect as a small social circle, they share their stories, interests, find commonalities, consider differences and build a support system of two, in other words they become intimate and so the relationship has sexual connections as well as other connections and the sexual connection becomes simply another form of intimacy for the couple…

This intimacy is then noticeable and felt by others (recall that thing that the happy level 1 couple was missing, well that’s it)

But the question is how do we get to level 2 intimacy? 

Actually, our capacity for level 2 intimacy was being built long before we became teens, it was being built as we bonded with our parents/caregivers who were teaching us whether it is safe to trust others and to be vulnerable with them… 

if we learned to trust and bond relatively well with our parents/caregivers we are primed to go beyond the genital connection that sets in during teens


So we know that some get caught in the whole ‘wedding worship’ but what about thinking of …

Marriage Management

Yes, marriage is an institution, and as an institution, it needs good executives and managers and that’s the husband and wife team, as an institution there must be a decision on what are the services and products that each in the institution would be doing, and so coming into the institution of marriage, during courtship that is when skills should be being build to prepare to contribute… to not do that is to threaten the survival of the institution from the very beginning…no wonder this song is telling this fellow “he looking for horn”…

With our high global divorce rates, there really needs more focus on preparing to be a decent contributing partner rather than ‘getting married’ and ‘wedding worship’

P.S. sometimes one partner or the other might become unemployed and in that case, the institution requires some sort of contingency planning and internal adjustments 

Training on the virtue of getting together and living the dream starts early… sure it might be more targeted to women but its also with men and so as girls grow and boys grow there is this subtle unconscious message…

let’s call it ‘Wedding’ Worship…

basically that we have really hit that home run, if or when we get that ‘official’ relationship commitment…

and so some come out with one focus in relationships ‘catching a man’ (a good man, whatever good might mean) or ‘snatching and ‘locking down’ a good woman) or “partner” … and for these people, it’s all about the end so…

its a show, its about strategy, manipulation even, acting to get a desired result, here Leroy discovers it could even be about ‘Goumangala’ (witchcraft, black magic, obeah) all because of moving the focus away from building a healthy relationship which could even mean leaving one for another and moving the focus on scoring the big one …. that official commitment aka wedding …

Some of us go along being ignorant of this, only to have that Dr. Hyde and Mr. Jekyll effect happen after the goal is done…

Love is a word easily said….

how that word shows itself helps us to know…really know …. if it is healthy or not….

Love shy?

some talk about unexpressed love or not expressing love because of being shy…but there is nothing covert or hidden about healthy love….

Love replacements

but we are so constantly being conditioned by the media to think real love is shown in desire, in strong feeling of fondness/desire/liking/affection that links to sexual attraction/desire and satisfaction…. that we have began to look for those things as our love actions…

What is being loved? 

yet a person can ‘love’ what we do for them, ‘love’ how we make them feel, ‘love’ all the possibilities being with us open for them…and never begin to even exercise ‘love’ for the person

Love by any other name….

Caring Consideration

who talks of caring consideration…there is nothing ‘sexy’ about that is there….but ask the old man who goes to a hospital every morning to have breakfast with his wife who has Alzheimer and says he goes because even though she no longer recognizes him, he still knows who she is…

very often we look back longingly on these older couples, as we watch divorce rates spiral, murder-suicides in the name of love, stalking and revenge porn all from those who ‘love’

But was there caring consideration?

was there a tender thoughtfulness for the other?

was there careful attention that as much as he/she can to attempt to avoid harm and hurt to the other body/mind/spirit

We wonder at what is happening in many love relationships….maybe there was never love in many of those relationships, at least not healthy love, maybe we are fast becoming a sex-filled, loveless relationship-oriented society….. how then do we create real love?

Check for 2 C’s #onlinetherapy #relationshipcoaching @ 

Belonging and Connectivity are important for children to have a healthy self-esteem…as children begin to go out into the wider World, it is their peer group that they want most to connect with and belong to….and so it is important to help our children to have a desire to belong and connect to a group of friends/peer group that would help them become ‘good citizens’ of their little school community

#coaching during times of transitions @vailable @t

Know Your Friends! and help the children know who are theirs

The Prince rules his kingdom….

so when it comes to picking a partner…what does the prince think…

is it that the prince goes off searching and searching because… he #needs his partner… take a moment to think about it…

when or if we choose and we say to our partner “I need you” and that is why I seek for you, and that is why I love you and that is why I want you and that is why I choose you … then  we are coming from a place of lack and our partner becomes something that we must have for survival…

would the prince really be in that position… when or if we approach someone form that position… our need to have our need has become our master and we have become the slave…and our master can bid us to do anything and almost everything we can to make sure our need is met…but this has little or nothing to do with what might be in the best interest of our partner who becomes nothing more than a source of survival….

Ahhhh…but that true prince…

that true prince knows that he can meet his own needs and so when going off in search of a partner looks around at all his options and opportunities and makes a very deliberate choice based on the virtues he observes, think Cinderella, think Sleeping Beauty, based on his desires, based on compatibility..think Love and Basketball, based on shared interests, think Save the Last Dance… yes that true prince says…

“I choose you” as “I have come to know and love you” and so “I want you” and by extension now “I need you” … but if per chance you would not have me…then I might mournfully go but it remains that “I chose you” and “I love you”

We are all like that prince and we can either be like that true prince or a fake prince…the fake prince is the one who acts like they are meeting the need themselves but approaches the partner from a place of real lack and need…. we win in #relationships when we can enter our #loverelationships our #committedrelationships our #marriages from a place of self-satisfaction ..where our partner simply takes it to another level

Another ROYAL wedding is coming up….

people are interested or maybe even some not so interested

But do you know what is soooooooo very interesting?

The little interest people show in their very Own Royal Wedding

What does this mean?

First let us rewind…rewind to the practices, people, process that led up to this Royal Wedding…

What practices? …those are the things that the couple did together or did not  do together that led to creating a level of closeness

Who people? …for starters the couple of course, then their might be friends and family who are also influencing

What process? …actually that should really be processes for plural..the communication process of the couple, the conflict resolution process, the power dynamic process and it goes on and on….

And when all these come together a decision is made to have an event called a wedding…

And our wedding is always a ROYAL wedding…how so?

Because we are always making a decision on that day to







Yet many of us only focus on having a ROYAL looking wedding..meaning we must look like royalty…and focus little on the patterns of our relationship and whether it is worth committing to such patterns for a lifetime

And sure relationships change,,,but let us be real there is a comfort that comes after a wedding and its called the comfort of marriage..where we expect to a major degree that our partners would not go flipping the script on us…

so do you have your very own Royal Wedding coming up, be sure to consider what the yesterdays were really like and how comfortable you are with those yesterdays becoming your todays and tomorrows