Moving you forward one step at a time


This article might be poorly timed for we are into the Caribbean Fiesta with the Carnival Season now upon us

Globally and within the Caribbean region sexual abuse of minors continues relatively speaking to remain an ostrich phenomenon. Surely now though with our global, ‘me too’ movement and the idea of ‘time up’ we are now hopeful of bringing this horrifying social phenomenon to light. A while before the ‘me too’ movement, authors such as Adele Jones in her 2013, Understanding Child Sexual Abuse: Perspectives from the Caribbean noted that increasing numbers of reports of child sexual abuse in the media suggest that either a higher proportion of the cases are being reported or that there are increasing instances of such abuse. This is where we want to dive deep on this media highlight of ‘Surviving R Kelly’ which we can hardly separate from the current “me too” context.

Writing this article, reflections of early practical experience as a therapist comes to mind. Female clients would present with a wide range of issues and the weirdest coincidence was that at least ninety percent of the presenting issues were in some way tied to abuse aftermath. So yes, there is an appreciation of the reality of the over-representation of females as survivors (kudos to those who support empowerment) of abuse. But wait, this experience was side by side of having the experience of asking out loud to more experienced psychologists, of searching the research and ‘Mr. Google’ or rather ‘Ms. Google’ in search of the missing link.

The foothold on our Monstrous Male narratives 

The missing link came after learning that many who experience abuse become abusers. In other words, to deliberately be long-winded; if someone experiences emotional abuse, they could also become emotionally abusive to others or abuse others in different ways, such as sexually or physically. If someone experiences sexual abuse, they could also become emotionally abusive or become a sexual predator, sexually abusing others. Now for the million or maybe it has now become a billion dollar questions; “if the abused often becomes the abuser, and there is an over-representation of males as abusers, then are little lads being abused and it going unnoticed?” and “if there is an over-representation of females as survivors of abuse, and much abuse goes unreported, then are many ladies also undetected or unreported abusers?”

R Kelly has a song “Trapped in the Closet” that has at least 19 Chapters In 2019, are we supporting the trapping in the closet of abuse of little lads? In 2019, is the “me too” movement while highlighting the challenges of little ladies and women in general in our patriarchal society, doing so at the expense of guiltily silencing lads who experience abuse?

Why ask such a question? For those who have watched at least the first two Series of ‘Surviving R Kelly’ it would be discovered that the predator might have at one time been the prey.

We never excuse the excusable 

Typical therapy emphasizes one thing to ‘survivors’ “it was not your fault”. So surely even if a male predator was in fact a prey that in no way is an excuse for his behavior. Surely too, the ongoing abuse of little ladies might now have a lot of women being fed up As R Kelly put it in his song ‘When A Woman’s Fed Up’; “when a woman’s fed up there ain’t nothing you can do about it”. So women are fed up and speaking out, no matter how many years later. For when it comes to abuse, it is never too late to speak out.

Domestic Violence has been noted as a main contributor of women reaching emergency rooms, with over one million being seen at doctor’s offices

Sexual abuse of girls and women is so prevalent that some mental-health and medical professionals suggest that screening for a history of abuse be a standard part of client intake

This is especially so since the impact of such can negatively influence intimate relationships, parenting, family life and workplace dynamics.

How then do we benefit in 2019, from a simplistic approach to bringing abuse out of the closet, by emphasizing that many men are abusers and many females have been abused? Is this new news? Many therapists and medical professionals alike, and the survivors themselves would surely say “no!”. So what really then is the intent of the “me too” movement and the focus now on ‘Surviving R Kelly’. Have we now reached to the place where we are commercializing sex in the form of the replayed pain of sexual abuse. In other words are we ‘pimping’ out those who have been preyed upon?

If so, Who profits?  

Could we not be using the “me too” movement to highlight that ‘something’s wrong?’ and exploring what that might be and how we might address it? Could we not be twenty years later with reflections on ‘Surviving R Kelly’ explore what might be creating ‘male monstrous’ behaviors?

Or are we just about guaranteeing that we seem to be pressing forward, while maintaining our head in the sand? In that way we are already assured that we would have another series in the making, as Whitney Houston and Deborah Cox mentioned in a song, a case of same script, different cast

As the saga continues, we all have our opportunity to join in and decide what we would or would not keep on the ‘down low’ which incidentally is the title of another R Kelly song

Possibly, even as we enjoy the Caribbean Carnival season we could display what healthy sexual expressions look like while taking in reflections on ‘Surviving R Kelly’

evil – deliberately focused on doing something harmful 

natural – existing in or obtained from nature

From birth we are sexual beings with declaration of the gender of the baby (which if we are being more accurate is the sex of the child, since gender involves socializing)

So sexuality or those feelings, thoughts and expressions that arise out of that sexual part of ourselves is natural  …meaning it is something we come with simply because we are human

And sexuality cannot be undone .. even without focus on sex and a lifetime of abstinence we remain sexual beings and we remain expressing our sexuality in some way or the other

The evil within  

Anything that comes from the nature of our humanness can be corrupted

So sexual expressions and activities that are done deliberately to;


these are in truth and in fact some ways in which our natural sexuality can be made a tool to harm and hurt

Now the idea that a heterosexual male or lesbian woman or bisexual would suggest that it is the fact that the sexual organ of the woman is the root of all evil says so much;

  • how much work many have to do in terms of appreciating that sex and sexuality involves every fiber of our being beyond any body part used during a sexual activity
  • the absurdity that “the root of all evil” of our sexuality when expressed of our own free will,  and leads to our own hurt and harm, can be found outside ourselves in the supposed root of the desire for the woman, instead of within the person from whom the desire came about

The idea that anyone can truly have a hold on the sexuality of another or truly uproot it, is again another false. Hence the reason why the sexual harasser,

the child molester etc. keeps going being a repeat offender, because part of that which they seek, power from sexuality, can never be got by taking it from another, but by fully accepting their own sexuality within and the power to express same responsibly as defined by themselves. 


So there this morning browsing on Facebook and approached for a live chat by two persons,

the first a gypsy man with a girlfriend in an open relationship…the second a single lesbian woman...what did these two people have in common?

Both thought it okay and quite appropriate to push boundaries by sharing pictures of their girlfriend having sexual relations with another man and pictures of her private….

Now how does this link to the Porn Industry?

Without wanting to appear to sit on a high horse a full disclosure would be once upon a time me too was part of the consumption of porn (use of #metoo deliberate)

Then it occurred to me one day …. as a therapist who have worked with persons who have processed sexual violations against them…how could porn be okay to view….

Yes …. there are people who view sex as creative expression and so take their art form to the big screen

Yes…. there are people who consider themselves to be sexually blessed and called to the screen

Yes… there are those who do it for the “Benjamin’s baby’

And then there are the #metoo

Those who have entered the porno industry because someone did NOT RESPECT THEIR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES …. at an early age and someone sexualized their childhood experience and so sex is all they know and being viewed as a sex object is all they know and they know no boundaries or about the right to privacy with regards to expression of their sexuality in that way…. 

Now how does the porno industry shift through to know who is who? Do they? CAN THEY? Would they?

Well until then the best PORNO Intervention is to have those who have come to know no boundaries with their sexuality … know that it is their right to have boundaries and that they can heal and choose differently

P.S. Thank you to those two persons who stimulated A Porno Intervention this morning 

Many maybe most of us even if not much into computers have heard some parts of the phrase

Verifying our IP Address 

with the fact that we live in the world of technology at some point it might be something we have to address … well with the fact that we have gone through at least 1 or 2 major sexual revolutions …

men and women alike now have different purposes that guide their decision to engage in sexual relations … and this is true whether the person is single, dating, engaged, somewhat committed, fully committed or married… 

for some there might be 1 main purpose or a blend of 2 or 3 purposes

  • pleasure & fun
  • power & domination
  • emotional connection
  • relationship security & reassurance
  • conquering
  • showcasing talents & skills
  • punishment
  • procreation

sometimes there is a case of Individual Purposes (IP) being incompatible ,,, and so after the fact … in comes Post Orgasmic Distress 

all because while we know that we have gone a long way from the way things were, many of us go into sexual relations assuming that our compatibility in other areas extends to our main purposes for sexual relations

and many of us assume that the only time we might need to verify individual purposes is when or if the encounter is casual …

but sex is a behaviour…


and all behaviour is purpose full 

so are you in the practice of verifying with your partner be it a casual or committed partner that their purpose is in sync with yours?

or what if you have already observed that your partner’s behaviour is not in sync with yours? How can you be proactive in preventing Post Orgasmic Distress

To prevent Post Orgasmic Distress

consider what is your current IP… are you comfortable with it? … if you are what will be your approach for addressing your partner’s IP? will you be open in disclosing your IP? what if it is not wise to do so?


always remember this …

behaviour is purposeful .. and when we understand our motivations for our behaviour and also our partner’s motivations … we can then actively make the choice to behave in a way to produce the best possible outcomes for ourselves and the interaction with our partner

Act to Avoid An Avoidable case of Post Orgasmic Distress

Sex sells … really sex sells …

What does it sell as … it sells as the great stress reliever, it sells as the best means of escape, it sells as a fantastic ego booster

But less often told ironically enough is sex tells … really sex tells…  

and we have had the orgasm which is part and parcel of sex’s sale pitch there is a telling feeling that many seek to run from…

a let down,  a despairing, a disappointment, a yearning for more, a fear of once again being left to face self, a resentment at having to face what was trying to be escaped….

and while with the natural disasters and sometimes unfortunately traumatic experiences are faced … many of us by choice enter into sexual relations courting ever so bolding

POST ORGASMIC DISTRESS …. and we fake our smiles and bravado .. men and women alike and again tune in to the sex sales pitch and delude ourselves that this time this time will be different  .. we are sold on the saving grace of sex and try again and fall into the pattern again of …

a let down,  a despairing, a disappointment, a yearning for more, a fear of once again being left to face self, a resentment at having to face what was trying to be escaped….

for those who might dare to work at breaking the cycle … will be made and you can follow along and or access Post Orgasmic Distress counselling or life coaching sessions deepening on where exactly you might want to put the focus ….

Remember sex sells … but sex also tells

arrogance: having too great a sense of our own importance or abilities

outsourcing: arrange for work to be done outside of company

Our Sexuality speaks … which suggests Our approach to sex speaks

Arrogance rears its notable head even in sex

Yet many view it not as arrogance

Think for a second though….partners intimately involved in one of the most vulnerable of expressions … and indirectly or directly looks to the other and then




Takes it upon himself/herself to decide to aid the ‘company’s’ operations aka the couples sex life by ;

  • consuming porn ..hard core or otherwise to help produce an expression that essentially can only be authentic in the moment of production for the partners
  • decides that he/she … has no real choice but to seek the services/assistance of another to produce the desired ‘company’s product’ aka that desired sexual satisfaction during the company’s operations aka the couples sex life

These are but 2 examples of sexual arrogance;

In the first

He/she is so taken up with the sexual abilities that  he/she brings to the table, that he/she goes out to outsource sexual improvement skills via porn … without considering

the company’s mission  … what is sexual expression between 2 about

the company’s SWOT .. what are the real environments within which the partners operate which will help to suggest what might be the ‘skills’ required that ironically might not be directly sexual

In the second

He/she looks away from the company’s potential to a competitor and goes to sample the other’s product by in fact contributing to that other company’s sexual production line…then returning to former partner aka previous company expecting that all that happened at the other outsourced company will automatically translate into desirable positive results to the  company to which he/she has returned without considering

that each company has its own culture

that while each one in the company matters, once any one in the company becomes so filled with him/herself that he/she becomes greater than the sum of the parts of the company… a company in facto no longer exists

Sexual Arrogance Our Outsourcing of Expressions

seems to be quite popular with the advance of social media and selfies

what does your sex life read …

is it made in ———?

was it outsourced?



2 Comments  1

Our Sexuality Speaks

Sex is part and parcel of our human experience

At to that sex releases “feel good” chemicals that cause is feeling of attachment

Now as to whether that attachment is defined as ‘love ‘lust’ ‘horniness’

it is attachment

ask anyone with a little training in psychology

and they will tell that our ATTACHMENT THINKING/HISTORY is loaded

emotionally loaded

Add to that we are hush about sexual abuse

which is rampant with females being the ‘target’

so many women who either bury the memory of sexual abuse or seek no therapy but treat themselves

will form pairings with partners

consider that sexual abuse is an abuse of power

and then guys one might ‘pull up on those brakes’

since logically speaking then

for many women sex is a lot more that all ‘touchy feely’

but might be a lot about power play

and can even be about revenge

and a  lot of other things that are not associated with females

who are considered to usually fall under the spell of their lovers touch to which they become easily vulnerable and controlled

This story is no fairy tale or movie

its real life

Our sexuality speaks

Many of us watched shades of grey (myself included)

yet many of us forget easily that the guy in fact was attracted to domination sex (yes that is what it is) as a result of his early experience with a much older woman which some might quite correctly term a form of sexual abuse

Beware Be warned

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